The Ghost Of You
by write4evr
Summary: "And you do mean as much to me, if not more, than Clary did. I shouldn't have told you that you didn't…"


**Yet another fic that is absolutely everywhere…but again, he's half-insane...I like writing my fan fictions from the point of view of half insane people…it's fun… :P (And I have plenty to say about this, so…check me out at the bottom when you're done…**_**if **_**you can manage to finish it…)**

_Oh, Jace, you have _really_, done it this time._

Please shut up, I thought in reply to the annoying little voice in my head. I knew it was true. That voice was always right, the damned thing. It spoke my deepest fears…my regrets…my crushed hopes…

It always showed up and taunted me just when I needed anything _but. _

Alec was hurt. Not physically. Now, that I could deal with. I can easily deal with physical injuries. A band-aid here, a snide comment about not doing whatever he did again and _bam! _All better!

It was these damned emotional, mental problems that I could not deal with. I just couldn't. I wasn't made for these kinds of things.

_I guess it doesn't help that this is all _your _fault, does it Jace?_

I flinched. It was true. As always, the voice was right.

I had made Alec feel exactly the way that he was trying to help me _not _feel. And that scared me. It scared me to death to hear him say that, because, well…Alec isn't as strong as I am. We handle things differently. I might go out and do something stupid every once in a while, get myself hurt on purpose, but that is a _release _for me. Physical pain is like…my stress ball. The more physical pain, the better I felt. In my opinion, there was no point in killing myself. What good would _that _do?

Now Alec was…different.

He was just all together different. Whereas I saw no point in killing myself, he saw _plenty _of good reasons why. He doesn't want a release. He wants a start over.

And I'm sure he would have given himself that 'start over' and _long _time ago if it weren't for Isabelle.

At this point, Alec and Isabelle might as well be _actual _siblings. He helped her through some _very _tough times whether he knew it or not, and vice versa.

To Alec, Isabelle was God. He loved her like a sister and a best friend. I had never before in my life seen any two people closer than they were.

_Except you and Clary, yeah? Still miss her, don't you Jace? That's what set you off in the first place, isn't it? That's why all this happened with Alec. You know, I bet Isabelle hates you too when she finds out._

"Holy fucking shit, _shut up!" _I growled out loud, not wanting to hear things that I already knew.

Clary. This all started with Clary, as most things did.

God, I had loved her. She'd been to me what Isabelle is to Alec, but there had been more. She'd not only been my best friend, but she'd been my lover…

I really had loved her. I loved Isabelle. I loved Alec. But Clary…Clary was something different all together.

She could make things better for me with the simplest of words. One love-filled glance, and all of my problems seemed to fade away. She never once felt any ill-will towards me because of the things I said when I was hurting. She didn't _allow _me to push her away. Anything that I said to try to make her hate me and see how very _not worth it _I was, only made her try harder.

I had thought with everything that I had left that Clary loved me as much as I loved her.

But I don't think that bitch really has a heart. How she could simply drop everything that we had is _beyond _me.

You'd think I'd hate her. And I do try to hate her. I try all the time. Do you know how much easier things would be if I could just hate her? I might actually be able to move on.

But no. Instead, I continue to love her with all my heart. I don't know if that will ever change.

Everyone knew it. Everyone, everyone meaning Alec and Isabelle, they all knew it. I made it very clear that Clary would always be my number one. It hurt Isabelle. She hated to see me be like that, because she knew it hurt _me._

But, as always, with Alec it was…different,

It was no secret that Alec has a tiny…_crush _on me. So on top of him not wanting to see me hurt…he hated Clary with a burning passion. Because he knew that as long as I loved her, I wouldn't even _think _about him.

And that meant that it would never be Alec.

_You told him that, didn't you? That's probably what made him so upset. You did tell im that, right? Oh, no, I was wrong. …You said 'You will never be _her_'. My mistake._

"God, please, just leave me alone…" I breathed in a shaky voice and tears threatened to fall down my cheeks.

_Never. You deserve this. Think about what that did to Alec. Think of someone other than yourself for once in your pitiful life. _

But I _was _thinking about Alec! How could I not? He was one of my best friends! I hadn't meant to hurt him!

I'd just been mindlessly complaining. As usual. I wasn't _trying _to hurt him…

But he just _had _to step in and try to make me feel better. He said all the things that I needed to hear, but it was like the words just didn't register. They never did, unless Clary said them

I only every believed her when she said I was _worth _something. When she told meI was talented, amazing, beautiful, and anything _but _hopeless.

But when Alec said it? All I did was deny it.

He ended up saying that I'd made him feel exactly how I felt…

_I am _so _glad you feel bad about that. You are a worthless, hopeless case Jonathon Herondale. You should be ashamed of yourself for making Alec feel like you do. No one deserves this but you._

"I know…" I whispered as hot tears started streaming down my cheeks.

How did I tell him I felt? I told him I felt lonely. I told him that I knew that there were people out there that loved me, but it didn't matter. I still felt lonely anyway. I told him that I hurt in ways that he couldn't imagine, and I couldn't ever love myself because I felt worthless.

And I made Alec feel that way. I rejected every bit of help he tried giving me.

_You've probably ruined him, you know._

I did know. Alec was fragile, there was no doubt about that. He couldn't hold his own very well…

_He looked to you for strength, you know. And what do you do? You break down. You're selfish._

"I am well aware of that," I muttered, rubbing my eyes and trying to make the tears stop. They wouldn't. They just kept on flowing, like blood from a fresh wound…

That thought made me freeze up all over. Fresh wounds…

What if Alec did something to himself now? What if he hurt himself and it was _my _fault?

I sharp sob ripped through my body as panic rose in me. Isabelle wasn't here to help him, and I'd hurt him…Oh God…

If anything happened to him, I wouldn't _ever _forgive myself…

_There you go. Think about yourself again, as per usual._

"_SHUT UP!" _I screamed as a pang of hurt, of _agony _ripped through my body. Alec was my life…

I stood up suddenly and bolted out of my door. I didn't care if I had to run all the way to his house, I was _going _to see Alec and I was _going _to see him now.

The running cleared my head. The voice didn't say a word. I was beginning to feel hopeful. Alec would be fine. I'd apologize, and things would be ok again.

Everything would be ok again!

That's all I wanted really, for things to be ok. For Alec and Isabelle to be ok. If I could have _that…_

I would have that. I _can _have that. I'd get to Alec's, and he would be _fine._

…All of my hopes were crushed as soon as I opened the front door with my spare key and walked into the house.

I could hear the water going from upstairs, but it wasn't just the sound of water, like if someone in your house was in the shower—it was a loud, gushing, splashing sound. I looked above me.

There was a water mark in the ceiling, and it was leaking.

_Oh God no, no, no, no…_

Mind screaming and heart racing, I ran quicker than I think I ever had. And when I was upstairs and standing in the wet hallway floor outside of the bathroom, fear hit me. It hit me hard and fast.

This water wasn't clear…it was tinted pink…

Suddenly, I wanted nothing more than to be back home. Whatever was behind this door, I didn't want to see it. If I went home and sulked around, things would go back to how they had been. Alec and I would be fighting, but Isabelle would talk to him in the morning, and even if he continued to hate me, he would be ok.

I didn't want to accept the fact that anything could have _really _happened…

_Oh, go on Jace. Face what you did. You deserve all of this._

I took a deep breath. I was exhausted. If something had happened to Alec…

Well. I'd just follow him. Whatever he did, I'd do the same. Simple as that.

I slowly pushed the door open, my stomach flipping as a small rush of pink-ish water rushed out when I did. And there, on the floor, is what I did.

What I caused.

It was my fault.

There he was. Alec, my brother, my best friend…the boy I might have even loved a bit…on the floor. In the flooding bathroom.

Drowned, in his own blood.

"Oh no…oh God, please no…" I whispered thickly as I dropped down next to Alec.

Maybe he'd just passed out…maybe he wasn't dead yet…

But when I turned him over and saw the deep gashes going all up _both _of his arms, I knew he couldn't be alive. He just couldn't be.

I couldn't cry. I couldn't feel anything. Nothing but numb. I felt empty and lifeless…like Alec's navy eyes looked…

I bit my lip and gently closed his eyes, pushing his hair off of his forehead.

Could my best friend really be…dead? Could he really have killed himself? All because of…me?

_Yup to all of that. You really messed up with time._

Numb, I was nothing but numb. Alec was dead. I had killed him.

Alec was dead.

So…if Alec was…then I might as well be too…

It was a terrible feeling, realizing just how very much I'd loved him after it was too late to tell him. It was so frustrating and sad…

"I'm sorry Alec. I came to tell you I was sorry," I whispered as I picked up the wicked looking knife he must have used, "I didn't mean to hurt you," I started, pausing to gasp at the blade bit through my skin.

"And you do mean as much to me, if not more, than Clary did. I shouldn't have told you that you didn't…" I said, adding five…six…more deep wounds to my arms. The blood flowed freely from the fresh wounds, like tears from someone who had lost everything.

I laughed sleepily as my blood dripped down my arms, mixing in with Alec's in the still flooding bath water.

"We really did it this time, didn't we buddy? Isabelle's going to kick our asses for this someday…"

I laid down next to Alec in the flood of water. Absent mindedly, I slipped my fingers through Alec's already cold, lifeless one's.

Everything was starting to get fuzzy. I struggled to continue…it was so hard…

"I'm sorry…I…I love…ah. It doesn't matter. I'll tell you in hell, ok? I'll let you know…"

_Too weak to even let him know you love him._

The voice sounded like Alec's now that I thought about it. It was like his ghost was in my head…letting know what I'd done to him…

The thought comforted me, for some reason.

I think I shrugged, but I don't know…everything was going black. Maybe the voice would let me go. Maybe I'd leave the voice, the one that sounded beautifully like Alec's, behind and find Alec, the _real _Alec, in the darkness…

I love you, Alec…I thought as the darkness consumed me.

I hadn't told him that enough in life, and I would never get the chance to again. But in death, I _would_ have the chance.

I _would _let him know.

**Welp, welp, welp…this is yet another random and very personal post, as the last one was. But…I think I just hurt a friend of mine very much in pretty much the same way Jace did…and I'm scared I won't get to say I'm sorry. There's the story…**

**Um…yeah. I know this isn't great, in fact I'm **_**very **_**unhappy with it, but the thought of posting it makes me feel better for some reason…so Imma post it, damn it! XD**

**Ok, so…I know it was bad, but thanks so much if you managed to get through it…**

**Love yall, as usual. 3**

**~Mack **


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